Back to the “Good Enough” Marriage Article!

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Samantha Corfield

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Hello everyone!  So quite some time back, I did a post regarding this article:  The Good Enough Marriage.  It is, as it states,  an article about the "good enough" marriage and/or relationship.  I definitely wondered what you thought about that article – agree, disagree? I was re-reading the comments that people had sent in and thought this was so worth reposting because not only was the article thought-provoking, so were the comments!

It seems that most of you think pretty much the same way I do – there is NO SUCH THING as a "good enough" relationship.  I just thought that was ridiculous and was poor advice to give people.  Yes, some of the things in the article were good, but just the idea of settling just to be with someone seemed crazy to me.  I have told many of you that if your relationship or marriage was "ok" that meant you had a poor relationship or marriage.  Now, of course, that is just my opinion, but I could never see spending years of my life with someone who I just thought was "ok" for me!

I did want to share what some of you said and have the chance to comment on it here (my comments are in italics).
 
schweety said:
Well, I read this article awhile back, and then came back to comment on it. The reason is it hit very close to my home. I was in a "good enough" marriage that eventually wasn't good enough. I can look back on when I made the decision to marry my husband, knowing even then I thought I wouldn't get another offer. I "settled" for 13 years. I am not saying all 13 years were bad. There were a few years that were great, a few where I felt I was doing all the work, and a few I felt he did a lot of the work. We lost of sync but I am not really sure we ever had it to begin with. When I met my HD, in a short time with him, I realized all the things I didn't have in my marriage. My husband and I didn't have passion, we didn't have romance, I missed him "being" proud of me sort of showing me off. I missed the physical part for most of those 13 years. Again not to say sex wasn't there, it was, but more of a "routine". I look at different people in my life, Mambo and Parran being just two of them, and you would have to be blind to not see how passionate they are with each other and how happy. Don't settle for someone, life is too short. I have to believe what Mambo has told me over the years and that we have many soulmates. My husband gave me the best things in my life, my two sons, and for that I will always love him. But I know, without a doubt, no matter how hard it is sometimes, that God didn't want us to be alone in this life, and there is someone out there who is looking for us too. Don't settle. There is a difference, I know I have lived it.
 
>>Right!! This happens to a lot of people – they get married because they think they won't get another offer.  This especially happens to women who are taught that they must get married, have children, and fit into a certain mold. But, on the other hand, as you say, you got your beautiful children from this union!  That is where a lot of questioning comes in – sure the marriage turned out not to be wonderful, but the children are!  Of course, you were supposed to have those wonderful children!  But yes, we want to live and love with someone who truly adores us and each and every one of us should have that in our lives if we truly want it.  Thank you, Schweety, for using Parran Matt and me as an example!  We are very lucky in our happiness.  :-)  We wish the same for all of you!
 
amanda said:
Mambo I love this article. I think many times women(men too!) believe that there is THE perfect person out there for them. While I do believe there are certain people we are supposed to end up with, I definitly do not think it is going to be a fairy tale ala disney style. I also think some clients come to spellmaker expecting to make their ho hum relationship into a disney classic. Spellwork is not going to do that, nothing will. My HD is not who I thought I would wind up with. I was picturing myself with Enrique Iglesias, yet HD is jewish, covered in tattoos and piercings, dropped out of college, doesn't care about money, doesn't care what kind of car he drives, etc, yet he treated me 1 million times better than any smart,rich pretty boy I thought I would end up with..HD isn't my 'good enough,' he is my imperfect perfect!
 
 >>Oh yes, the "illogical" choice, I love that!  Since Parran Matt and I are kind of the voodoo Demi and Ashton, one could think on the surface that we were the "illogical" choice for each other.  However, if you are around us for even a short period of time, you see it makes perfect sense.  The fairy tale has many possible endings.  😉
  
Simone Greene said:
I had a "good enough" marriage. It wasn't. Something the article does not address is how we change over the years, and how our situations change. In our early 20s, almost everyone our age is available, so there is a huge pool to explore and choose from. In our 40s, not so much. Our experience shows us a far different set of things that are important. Who is to say when we are being realistic and when we are not? Do we have a caste system for potential dates and mates, where we can't marry up or down? Relationships are a lot more complex than a set of criteria to meet. A short article like that can't cover it all, but luckily we have our Mambo and Parran, Sisters and case workers to guide us. 😉
 
>>Yes, "good enough" just isn't and in the end, despite what that article says, there is always a level of dissatisfaction that will emerge with a "good enough" marriage… in my opinion, life will be filled with "what ifs" IF one has a "good enough" relationship.  You are so right – realism exists on an individual basis.  As far as that "caste system" – trust me, we see it a lot in our work – "I can't be with so and so because s/he isn't my religion…or race….or age, etc., etc."  Nevermind that true love exists!  Sigh.
 
phantodrac said:
Wow! This was really interesting! I agree with it up to a certain point- but I feel that the article deemphasizes the love and romance that's important to a relationship way too much. Have we, as “modern-day” and “independent” folks, set our expectations way too high for love? In many cases- yes! It’s important to be realistic and open minded. That being said, we can’t simply take a defeatist attitude and get ourselves a business partner instead of a love. I think that the five guidelines that are set out in the article are essential for a lasting, healthy relationship…but it has to be treated WITH love- not like you’re writing out a legalistic contract. Also- people change. Our loves can change as people and their goals may vary from what they were originally. It’s up to us to decide if we want to remain with them if and when that happens. If you’re just marrying someone due to coinciding goals and interests- what happens when those change? If you’re marrying someone out of real and true love for that person…perhaps you’ll be more likely to say, “okay, this isn’t what I expected- but I love you. Let’s keep going and see where it takes us, baby!” Point being, if you approach things TOO “mechanically” you may be setting yourself up for just as much of a letdown as the person who holds out forever, searching for Prince Charming. For me, while there IS significant wisdom therein, this quote just depicts someone who is desperately trying to rationalize their actions: "If I had to settle for a new Oldsmobile when what I really want is a Porsche, I'll never be satisfied. In truth, the Oldsmobile is new, it's pretty, and it works. Why wouldn't I be satisfied with it?" Dude- you came into the shop telling the dealer that you wanted a Porsche. Maybe you saved a few bucks…but you’re going to be driving that car for a LONG time. But hey- all power to ya. This is just my knee-jerk reaction; I really feel it’s a blend of the two extremes, a tightrope walk. Also, right now I’m young, idealistic, and a total romantic. Who knows what I’ll say come a few years from now. But, hopefully, I’ll be saying it from a Porsche- one with a dang good warranty. 
>> As I highlighted above, this is exactly true.  There has to be some balance in the approach of looking for and sustaining a relationship.  I love your twist on the car analogy!  😉 You are right, there is no easy answer, but here's hoping for that Porsche! 
  
Love to all, Mambo
www.spellmaker.com

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Comments

4 responses to “Back to the “Good Enough” Marriage Article!”

  1. amanda Avatar
    amanda

    I wanted to just also comment that I have had the wonderful fortune of being around Mambo and Parran Matt for a whole weekend and it is so wonderful to be in the presence of two people who are very committed to each other and clearly very crazy about each other!!I don’t think it happened by accident or that Mambo was just ‘lucky”, rather I think it is because she didn’t settle for ‘good enough’. (Or she did some great spellwork on Parran Matt!hahahahahahaha) Love you both!

    Reply
  2. debra Avatar
    debra

    I really enjoyed reading this blog post and everyone’s comments. This article describes my failed marriage perfectly. I was just about to turn 30 when I met my ex husband, and I was definitely feeling the pressure from my mom about not being married yet (nevermind that I had already gone to law school and was working as a lawyer…I was raised to be a wife and mother – Lol). I definitely settled for “good enough”, but I’m not sure that I necessarily consciously considered myself to be doing so because I wouldn’t meet anyone else. I met guys all the time…just no one I had much of a connection with and, shamefully, my ex husband looked the best “on paper” at the time. I think I just gave up on the hope to find that magical connection with someone because, despite my romantic dreams and fantasies in high school, I just finally convinced myself that such things only existed in fairytales, romance novels and the movies. So, I found someone with common goals and someone I could talk to on an intellectual level all the while overlooking the fact that our sex life sucked and eventually became non-existent. I rationalized this with the advice my mother gave to me which was that passion fades anyway, so don’t look for that in a husband. Like Schweety, I also have two beautiful sons from my marriage, and even though I own all of the choices that I’ve made, I also believe that everything (even whatever urges us to make one choice or another) happens for a reason. Now, here I am ten years later…not even knowingly looking for another partner or LTR when I meet my HD(a guy 10 years younger than me) in a bar, of all places. Words just can’t describe the feelings and connection I felt with him almost immediately. Yes, the passion and sexual chemistry is totally there, but there’s also this feeling of complete comfort, familiarity and perfection whenever I’m in his presence…almost like I’ve finally found where I’m supposed to be despite the fact that I wasn’t even aware that I was searching for it. Every love song makes total sense to me now, as does every cheesy movie line. Lol. I understand my friends who want to include their husbands in almost everything they do when before their behavior would just annoy me because I never “got” what they were feeling. It’s like when your HD isn’t in your presence you actually feel like a piece of yourself – that you never knew you had – is missing. What strikes me as most interesting about all of this is that with my ex, the road in the beginning of our relationship was smooth sailing. We were in different countries for the first year and a half of our relationship, and there were never any problems. Yet with my HD, it feels like it’s been total chaos since the initial “honeymoon phase” (thus, the need for the spellwork), and I’ve never worked for something so hard in my life. The fairytale feelings are certainly there, but the journey so far has been anything but a fairytale. Maybe this just proves that anything worth having doesn’t come easily…especially “happily ever after”. 🙂

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  3. Samantha Corfield Avatar
    Samantha Corfield

    Thank you for sharing, Debra! Yes, that does seem to be mostly true, for whatever reason, things worth having rarely come easily! 😉 I guess that is why it is called spell “work” not spell “get.” 😉
    Love,
    Mambo

    Reply
  4. Samantha Corfield Avatar
    Samantha Corfield

    🙂 It is true, Amanda – I really never would settle for “good enough” and I don’t think anyone else should, either. And as far as spell work, here is an interesting fact, did you know that in my initiation in New Orleans Witchcraft (not voodoo), I had to take an oath not to do love spell work for myself? It is explained in a rather long-winded way that it will somehow taint the work you do for others (that is the short version of the explanation). So, no spellwork on Parran Matt (though believe me, he would have been very tempting to do work on if necessary! LOL)

    Reply

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