Greetings everyone!  Okay, so most of you who are already involved with www.spellmaker.com, have someone in mind that you want a relationship with.  That is okay; you can actually "retrofit" this plan and see whether you think that person would have fit into it!  Now be honest if you choose to do this, don’t try to squeeze your intended into the right category that fits.  Pretend like s/he doesn’t exist for a minute and do some of these exercises with an open mind!  Does your intended actually fit into who you would choose for yourself?  😉   There is nothing wrong with it if they don’t, it is just an interesting exercise.

Additionally, I like the way this brings strategy and concrete form to the idea of finding someone to share your life with.  Like Dr. Dreyfus says, it doesn’t leave romance out of the equation, it is just a way to have a good plan for finding that romance!

Enjoy it!  Love, Mambo Sam

DEVELOPING THE MASTER RELATIONSHIP PLAN

Edward A. Dreyfus. Ph.D.

Developing a plan increases your likelihood of success. We develop plans and strategies for everything in life we succeed at, careers, a dinner party or wedding, performing surgery, buying a new or used car, planning our estate, designing a house, decorating an apartment, or going on a vacation. You name it. If we are successful, we have made a plan. Yet, in spite of this knowledge, when it comes to romance we prefer to rely on chance. Then we wonder why the divorce rate is so high. If our businesses or dinner parties had as high a failure rate, we surely would begin to analyze why and try to do something about it. Well, the same is true for romance.

Step One: What are you looking for?

Most of the time when I ask people what they are looking for in a mate they say something like, "Someone attractive, intelligent, and sensitive with a good sense of humor." They try to give the impression that they are not asking for much. However, on closer investigation I usually find that the list is much more extensive. So, in this step make a complete list of what you are looking for in a mate. Include those characteristics that are important for everyday living on a long-term basis.

We must distinguish between several categories of mate: roommate, playmate, friend, and permanent mate. Each of these has its own set of characteristics with some degree of overlap. Many people have not distinguished between the categories. Therefore they may be stating they want a permanent mate when, in reality, they are seeking a playmate. A permanent mate is some combination of roommate, friend, and playmate. Therefore, it might be wise for you to make up three lists of characteristics, one for each of these three types of mate. Once you have developed these lists, merge them. Some characteristics may be eliminated. Intelligence may, for example, be more important in a mate than a playmate; neatness is more important in a roommate than in a friend.

Step Two: Take a personal inventory.

Honesty is very important in this step. List all the characteristics that describe yourself. Pretend that you are describing yourself to someone else, what would you say? Once you have developed this list, ask three of your closest friends to develop a list describing you. Tell them to be brutally honest. Compare their list with your own. Then ask them to look at your list and tell you whether they agree with your self-assessment. (Now, if you chicken out at this point, how do you think you’ll ever be honest enough to find someone truly matched to you?) If there is a discrepancy between how you see yourself and how your friends see you, then you have some work to do. Somehow you have to reconcile your self-perception with the perception of others.

Step Three: Separate fantasy from reality.

Most of us have images of ourselves that often are at odds with reality. We have an idea of who we would like to be and present the image to the world, rather than the reality. Sometimes we tell the story so often we tend to believe it ourselves.

When it comes to relationships, we cannot present the person we would like to be as if it were the person we actually are. This would never fly in business; it is called false advertising. Truth in advertising is very important in developing a relationship. That’s why the above exercise with friends is so important. If you can’t be honest with your friends, or don’t think anyone knows you enough to answer your questions, look around more carefully. Pick people who will not intentionally hurt you, and ask them to make up a list.

We often deceive ourselves, as well as others. In this step you must assess what you say you want with the reality of who you are. Some people say they want an independent thinking, self-directed partner, who is successful at their own career. In reality they want a someone who will take care of them and be the Mom they never had. It is similar to the guy who goes to the horse riding stable and tells the person who rents horses he wants a frisky thoroughbred because he thinks of himself as a jockey. After he falls off a few times and has to walk back to the stable, he realizes he should have been with a gentle mare.

Step Four: Increase your opportunities.

Make a list of the type of activities you enjoy: biking, dancing, cooking, spiritual, self-help, yoga, art, horseback riding, etc. Begin to participate in those activities in an arena where both single men and women can be found. If you are interested in cooking, for example, find a cooking class that is likely to be attended by both men and women. By attending activities interest you, you are able to insure that you will have a good time, even if you do not meet someone who is of interest to you. Do not participate in activities where the end result determines whether you enjoy yourself. Do not waste your time going to places where the odds are stacked against you: meat (meet) markets, bars, dance clubs, large gatherings, etc., are not places to meet potential mates. Maximize your use of time.

Step Five: It pays to advertise.

Let all of your friends and relatives know you are seeking a mate. Make use of business associates. Everyone is a potential agent. Most people love the idea of helping someone find a mate. Tell them about yourself and specifically what you are looking for, so they can better represent you. Don’t be bashful; be honest. Think of these people as you would a real estate agent. Tell them exactly what you are looking for so you can increase your likelihood of success. The more information they have, the better.

Make use of dating services, but check them out first. Make sure they are reputable. Get references. Do the types of people you are looking for participate? If you have a flair for writing, use the personal ads,  but again do some homework. Check the credibility of the magazine and quality of the ads. Do the types of people you are looking for advertise in the column?

If you think only losers use dating services or write personal ads–you’re wrong. Lots of successful people who don’t have time for "luck" use these services. Just make sure you pick high-quality services, and use your common sense about meeting someone who doesn’t "feel" right. Talk to them anonymously over the phone for a while before agreeing to meet. Ask about their history–education, work/career, friendships, family, previous relationships, health, interests, etc. If any red flags come up, ask more questions. Listen carefully and see how they answer. If you don’t get the right answers, tell them you’d like to think about them a bit more and will call back if you decide it might be right. Then, think about it. Give yourself some time. If they pressure you during any of this, cross them off the list. If you aren’t entitled to this information before meeting, why meet?

Early Imprinting

The first relationship we observe is that of our parents. This forms a template deep in our unconscious that affects our choice in a mate. Our parents form a model of what relationships are like and what adult males and females are about. As such, these early imprints have a profound effect on our choices of mates and our expectations with respect to a relationship. If this early imprinting was positive, we are likely to have satisfying interpersonal relationships and a positive image of others.

However, if it was negative, it may well have the opposite effect. Sometimes the effect was so negative, even though we may not be aware of it, it can severely interfere with our interpersonal satisfaction. Repeated destructive relationships, co-dependence, and generally unhealthy relationships may ensue. In these cases, professional intervention may be necessary before you can proceed with some of the steps indicated above. If in doubt, seek the help of a qualified professional trained in relationship skills. Help is available–ask for what you need.

Hello everyone!  I really enjoyed this article on co-dependency.  I have to admit, I am not a fan of the term "co-dependency" when it is presented in a negative light.  I think ALL human beings are "co-dependent" in some way and that we are meant to be!!  It is the glue that holds us together.  However, sometimes this is an issue that can cause great distress in our lives.  That is when we know that we have taken our co-dependency too far and now it is detrimental to us.  I think Dr. Maheu give us some good pointers and a real grasp on how to handle certain situations.

There is also some good sound advice for having successful relationships – whether there is a shred of co-dependency or not!  Enjoy!

Love, Mambo Sam

CO-DEPENDENCY OR KINDNESS?

by Marlene M. Maheu, Ph.D.

"I just want to show people I love that I care, but I end up feeling resentful when they don’t do the same for me in return. If only people were as considerate toward me as I am toward them, I’d be a lot happier, and feel more secure. Something just isn’t right."

Being of help to those you love can be very healthy and rewarding. Many books have addressed the issue of co-dependency, but it is sometimes difficult to tell the difference between co-dependency and kindness. While co-dependency is not an official psychological term, it has come to describe a type of relationship where an individual gives of themselves, even when they don’t want to, or shouldn’t, for their own welfare.

Here are some ways to tell the difference:

Look for balance.

If you aren’t sure about whether you are being "too kind," take a few minutes to complete this simple exercise. Take out a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle of the page. At the top, put the name of someone close to you. In the left column, write down all the things you did last month for this person, whether they requested it or not. At the end of the item, put a large "P" for pleasure, or "R" for resentment to distinguish which emotion you really felt, in your heart of hearts, about this activity. In the right column, list all the things they did for you, either actively or passively, whether you requested or not. Show your list to an impartial friend. If your list is weighted much more heavily on the "giving" side, then you might be selling yourself out to gain acceptance from others. Now that you’ve read the exercise, take out a piece of paper and try it. It’ll be worth the trouble….) If you cons tly treat others better than you treat yourself, and are frequently resentful about how loved ones are treating you, consider the possibility that you are out of balance, or "co-dependent."

Listen to your inner voice about "fairness."

Given the age of the person in question, decide if you have been giving freely to this person, or out of some unspoken obligation that leaves you resentful. Worst yet, decide if you have been giving because you fear retribution (anger, pouting, threats, whining, guilt). Remember, children are entitled to get much more than they give, that’s the contract you signed when you decided to have the child. However, as they grow older, they need to learn that the world will not indulge their every whim. They must learn to expect that others have needs and wants, and relationships require negotiation. It is your job as a parent to teach these lessons.

Stop your usual behavior.

If you decide you are giving when you don’t want; are feeling resentment when you give, then find a way to stop. Being resentful is a sure sign that you don’t want to give; even if you think the only reason you are resentful is based on the other person’s reaction. If you are displeased with the other person’ s reaction, then you are giving "with strings attached." This is unfair to you as well as to the other person. If you can give freely, consider not giving at all.

If you decide to change, give people warning.

Change is difficult for people to accept, as well as to implement. It is only fair to every one involved that you let them know ahead of time that you are changing your ways. Be prepared for a negative response. It’s just part of the change process. People who get their way with you will probably have difficulty hearing you say, "no."

Practice saying "no" to little things at home, or with other family and friends.

A good place to start is to say "no" to little things that you might have previously done because "it’s no big deal," or "it just isn’t worth the trouble." Go slowly, but take a stand on some things you know you can do. For example, if you feel resentment about doing your teenager’s laundry, teach them to do their own. To avoid having them cost you more money, set a monthly "allotment" for clothing, and they get no more, no matter what.

Brace yourself to hear about how "mean you are" and how much you "don’t care."

This is the price you must pay for setting yourself free. Within a few months, they’ll learn to separate their clothes correctly, and make sure they don’t throw shrinkable clothes into the dryer. Often, people do things they really don’t want to do, because "it’s just not worth the trouble of saying no." If you really don’t want to see a particular movie, if you secretly don’t want to eat at a certain restaurant, stay up later than usual, drive someone somewhere, run an errand because you’re too tired — don’t. (Be careful to practice this with safe people more than at work until you get better at it.)

Learn to stand up for yourself in the face of anger.

If people get angry with you, and give you pressure through anger or guilt, hold your ground. Many people use anger, or the threat of anger, to control or manipulate their way through the world. See the ploy, and don’t give in, if you are being reasonable. (Most of us know when we are being unreasonable, or "mean," if we listen to ourselves. Calmly and firmly hold your ground. The less you say, beyond what you are willing to do, the better for you and the relationship. For example, "Ok, you’re right, I blew it. I’m sorry. How can I fix the situation now?" or "Let’s agree to disagree. I am not willing to pay for something you decided to buy without consulting me. Next time, please ask me first."

Use the broken record technique.

If the other person is being unreasonable, use the broken record technique, "Next time, please ask me first…Next time, please ask me first…Next time, please ask me first." This avoids setting yourself up for "the inquisition," because you aren’t giving the other person any ammunition against you. They’ll get over it, sooner or later, and you will stop being manipulated into things you don’t really want to do.

Get input from others.

Talk to your happier friends about how they balance giving and receiving. Join a therapy or support group to get suggestions and encouragement from others. Go to CODA groups and listen to others talk about how they are "finding their own voice" in relationships. CODA meetings are free and available throughout most cities in the United States. Pick up some books on the topic.

Trust in yourself.

Whatever you do, know that things are changing, and you don’t have to live a life of quiet resentment. If you decide you are giving because it truly is in your heart to give at that moment, without fear of any kind motivating you, enjoy yourself. Giving to others can be a gift to yourself, if done for the right reasons!